Critical Hit

This year we had a loosely themed party around gaming (choices of different games and consoles, along with tabletop RPG-ing). Above is the Creeper Cake (from Minecraft in case you're not up on such things), and below is the party gathered around the table doing a little adventuring, Dungeons and Dragons style.

I was more nervous about this one than I have been since they were kindergartners and we were throwing our first big Harry Potter bash. DMing for a group of 11 & 12 year olds, most of whom had never played D&D before, was no small feat! But with the DH's help keeping order, and my lovely sister Elizabeth holding down the kitchen side of things, we made it all work (+500xp for each of us!). The boys had an "AWESOME" time. E was so thrilled and hyped up on sugar he was gushing like a drunken prospector who'd just found gold, and L was so happy he took the sensory stuff in stride beautifully (12 year old boys are at least 1 year louder than 11 year old boys!).

So all the work (I'd be loathe to add up the hours and hours...) was well worth it. I can't go to school with them and point out which kids look friendly, and which aren't. I can't stand behind them when they're talking to a peer, and act as interpreter for tone of voice and facial expressions. I can't keep them from social blunders, like you would keep a toddler from a hot stove. I can't wipe away all the stress and hurt of day after day of facing a world that feels so alien and hostile to them.  But what I can do is plan a Kick Ass Birthday Party once a year that kids are practically lining up to come to, that shows my sons and their skills and interests in the best possible light, and that greases those social wheels. L has been struggling so hard with the friend thing lately, or rather the absence of, but The Kick Ass Party has given him conversation fodder and confidence. He has been able to reconnect with a couple of kids who were open to friendship before, but L couldn't see it, he needed something concrete like them coming to his party for him to feel comfortable approaching them, and being approached. Yesterday at school he was invited to be part of a group of boys (the ones he had invited to his party) for a project, instead of the teacher having to place him in a group, and he was willing to join (he often isn't). Yay!

The Caught Voice

Who I am has been caught in my throat. Like a choked back sob that sticks there with a pang.

Has it been a whole year? (holy crap time is becoming a scary, unbridled sort of thing!)

It's been about a year since The Nothing descended (Neverending Story, anyone?), since the winter cold crept way deep into my bones and refused to melt even with the summer sun. But now I am not depressed anymore. I haven't been for a while now. I have been enjoying life. Enjoying my sons most of all. I am actually on sort of a delightful mom roll...being responsive and checked in, and even dare I say, fun? Stuff is good (even though challenges abound as per usual). The cogs and wheels of everyday life are running fairly smoothly, and intellectually and philosophically I am ticking along too. I am feeling steady, hopeful...OK.

But (and you knew there had to be a "but" coming right, or else what the eff's the point of this post?), my creative self is stuck in my throat like a choked back sob.  I can't seem to let it out, and day by day, week by week the pressure builds, and it's starting to hurt.

The word visceral is stuck in my brain.

Visceral.
Visceral.
Visceral.

Something is lodged deep inside under all the layers of feeling better and being OK. Choked back, like that hard sob, that knots in your throat and makes it impossible to speak normally, even though your face is impassive and by all appearances you are just fine (thank you very much), if it wasn't for the betraying truth of that crack in your voice.

So...

That's how it is.

On the Wings of Evil 2 (otherwise entitled: A Meltdown Every Game and We're Still Playing)

As some may recall, approximately a year ago me and mine started playing Dungeons and Dragons. O the adventures we've had! We've saved entire towns from invasions of the undead, freed downtrodden slaves, discovered an Elven city that had been lost for 100 years, made friends with gnomes, dragonborns and tieflings, tamed a griffon, killed tonnes o' monsters, brought loads of baddies to justice, found secret rooms, explored ruins, caves and strongholds chock full of treasure, and eaten many delicious wolf burgers, the specialty of Borgon, our dwarven rogue and camp cook. Now that's what I call family game night.

It has been fun and sometimes rather awful, but much, much more fun than awful. The "awful" has been mainly comprised of the sssssuper steep learning curve. There are a lot of rules, and lots to remember as you go. There were times when it felt more like work than play, I must admit. The other part of the "awful", is precipitated by the inherent rigidity present to varying degrees in all members of our group (who me?), and particularly in the younger two, making for some tricky times as we all got used to our individual gaming styles and how they work together. The boys really struggled with compromising on their creative visions, whether as players or DMs (dungeon masters), and since DnD is primarily and thoroughly collaborative this was a problem. They also had that good old fashioned, age old problem of getting good and mad whenever the dice would not roll their way. It feels a helluva lot more intense when you are down to your last HP (hit points), and you keep swinging at the troll with your great-axe and missing, than say, getting no card pairs in Go Fish. It is extremely challenging to keep up the facade of sportsmanship when you are ABOUT TO DIE!  For many moons we could not get through a gaming session without at least one meltdown...and yet, we all very much wanted to keep playing, and so we did.

And here we are, a little over one year later, re-immersing ourselves in the game after a summer/fall hiatus when L got stuck and stalled out as DM, and we are more into it than ever. I've been planning an adventure that will take us from level 6 to 7. (Anyone familiar with the game will notice that we really haven't progressed that far in a year. We generally had to limit our gaming to short sessions. That was all the boys could handle...mostly gracefully. And I've been purposefully stingy with the XP, not wanting us to level up too fast since the game grows even more complex with advancement!) Over the last couple of weeks, the boys and I have been doing some world building together, and this has been really satisfying. Since we share DM duties (they each "guest DM" for about half of every second level), we decided that the boys should each have their own province to weave stories in. They are very proprietary of their places and NPCs (non player characters) and we had some initial toe steppage or rather more like landmine steppage. (did I mention meltdowns? oh dear) We added these provinces to the Nentir Vale, the DnD pre-created land that we started playing in and then thoroughly and joyfully bastardized for our own nefarious purposes, and added a few more provinces for more space to explore as we reach higher levels. This is our land:

E's province is Trefrostovol in the northwest, and L's is Pyrok Valley in the mid-south.

Lookit that! Don't you just want to strap on your longbow and dagger and go exploring? We've also written histories (concerning dragons and kings!), and decided on mythology, religions, political systems, exports, climate etc. It has been really fun and really challenging (remember creative collaboration is a WiP around here), and now my brain is teeming with stories! Did you know that Silver Dale is thus named because the people there once worshipped a silver dragon named Sulvidus? Or that there is a halfling village in The Bower that makes a vintage so wondrous to even smell it is practically enchantment? Or that there is something horrible (HORRIBLE) lurking in the Southern Wastes? Right now, there is something going down in the town of Dragmiston on the Hull Coast that is about to change our land forever, to reveal secrets and plots hidden for centuries! That is if our band of adventurers make the kind of choices I think they might...

And that "if" is both the most poignant pleasure and potential biggest frustration of playing DnD. It is a collaborative story that unfolds in game, everyone's choices contribute to it, and no one knows exactly where it will take you.

I am happy to report that we've been non-melty for several sessions. The boys are maturing and more able to handle the challenges the game throws at them, especially now that we're over the worst of the learning curve, and DH and I are becoming more competent and relaxed too (because it's never just the kids is it?). We are having such a good time, and I am excited to see what and who our PC's (player characters), the emerging heroes of Harkenland, become...

E's character, Onlok, an Elven wizard with a tragic past involving dragons. E is a slayer type player, with a bit of explorer thrown in too (link to player type explanations), and so Onlok loves to rain fire and brimstone down on the battlefield!

L's character, Trestkam, a human fighter who has a great deal of thoughtfulness and gentleness for being a death-dealing, axe-wielding juggernaut, and always tries to do the right thing. L is an explorer type player, with more than a dash of storyteller too.

Our beloved dwarven rogue, and comic relief, DH's character, Borgon. DH is a "thinker" player, and can solve the hardest puzzle and/or grind the action to a squealing halt...if you let him. ;)

Moi, although I don't get to play her that often. Morgana, a lawful good human knight. She's more than a bit bossy, and a leetle bloodthirsty for being lawful good and all... I am definitely a storyteller player, with a bit of actor thrown in there too, so I guess it's a good thing that I'm usually behind the DM screen.

Character artwork by my uber talented friend Mr. CH, who whipped these drawings up with the greatest of ease. He draws straight from ink to paper. Can you believe it? No pesky pencils and erasers and rough copies for him. Talent and cohones. If he was playing DnD, I would bet he'd be an "instigator"... You can check out more of his work at http://cannibalpriest.tumblr.com/ (please note: Cannibal Priest is not meant for the kiddies)

Merry Nerdmas!

Since we got back from our holiday (which was fantastic, BTW!), we've been decompressing with quiet pursuits. Watching Big Bang Theory (the boys love this show! And no wonder...we find Sheldon very easy to relate to around here...), playing Minecraft, reading Lord of the Rings -y'know, nerd stuff.

I have never approached the Christmas season less involved, less prepared or more relaxed. It has been kind of lovely to do everything a bit backwards this year, and to forgo anything and everything that we aren't in the mood for. For example the tree got a resounding "yes", but the other decorations...meh, not this year. Watching holiday shows also got a big fat "meh", exception being the Doctor Who Christmas Special! (like I said in the title, it's a nerdmas.) Baking treats...natch. Mailing X-mas cards...nein. We will forgo the Christmas Tree Festival, but still plan on our pilgrimage to the food bank (of course). Buying presents for each other -not so much so, but we got some cool stuff in Florida for teachers, helpers etc.

We aren't travelling to spend Christmas with sisters & parents this year either, and this is bittersweet. I love spending time with them, and I wouldn't want to do it this way every year, but for one year? A quiet Christmas with just the four of us sounds like heaven. We have big plans involving food, video games and more food. The boys want all the traditional Christmas fare, and I'm happy to oblige, and they don't know it yet, but we got them a new game system. Shhhhhh. We weren't supposed to buy anything, Florida being our present this year. They are such good, non stuff-oriented kids. They didn't even flinch when a visiting kid exclaimed with horror, "Is that all you have under your tree?! Where are your presents?!" (this kid went to Florida twice last year, and had a bigger Christmas than our kids have/will ever see...oh the joys of wealthy, divorced parents!). The grandparents who didn't go on the trip with us wanted to go in on something, and we found we didn't want to say no. We wanted to say "YES", and so we did, and I am excited. I think gift giving is the most fun when there is absolutely no expectations of receiving.

Anyhoo, we are well, and happily relishing home and hearth after being away. I wish you all a wonderful Christmas...or nerdmas if you will.

Nerd-gerbread Cookies, a gift for E&L's nerdy cool EA.
From left to right: Howard, Leonard (top), Sheldon & Raj

Clones.

Happiness is a Box of Crackers

I am in a blisteringly good mood today.

And why shouldn't I be? So much to look forward to. So much to be thankful for.

It is 8 short days until our family trip to Florida. The i's have been dotted and the t's have been crossed. I've turned this trip all around in my hands to look at from every angle, dismantled and put it back together countless times, polishing every piece as I go -it should work. Better than that, it should run well, fast and smooth like the meticulously tuned engine it is.

My boys have had so many ups and downs this fall. High highs and low lows. Every week it's been something new. Thank goodness for excellent therapists and the choice which allows me to be at home full time. They've needed 100% effort and attention. I can happily say they are thriving.

On our kitchen table right now is a small tower of boxes and packages. Allergy safe, prepackaged foods for the boys own private trip stash. It is strange to say how happy that stack of cookies and crackers, pretzels and craisins is making the boys and I. I think partly because it is tangible evidence that we are really going -nothing so abstract as plans and bookings, or even tickets, but real, solid foodstuffs to eat then and there in Florida. But the main reason it is happy and excitement-making is because it represents safety and comfort. Tactile proof that the boys needs will be taken care of on this trip. They will be safe. There will be enough familiarity to be comfortable with the unfamiliar. They will have fun.

8 more days!

Halloweenies

Meandering Avoiders Anonymous

Hello my name is E, and I am a meandering avoider. (credit to Mr. C. H. for the term)

And this poor blog has become yet another thing to avoid as I meander.

Hallo Blog. I am sorry. It's not you. It's me. Seriously, you're great. I'm just not that into the whole self examination thing right now. Have you seen it outside? It's insanely beautiful. It's gorgeous. Best fall evah -a riot of colour, bright sun-filled days, crisp air, azure sky. I'm busy and grateful and stressed out and happy, and the days are over in a breath and a heartbeat.

Plus I have no art for you, and that makes me feel guilty. I hate to feel guilty, so I avoid, and the circle spirals down. The truth is dear Blog, my energy and interest have been going elsewhere. I wouldn't call it cheating per se, but I confess, I have been seeing another blog, my trip blog. Don't worry, it's only a temporary fascination, you are still my first love! But until this trip is over, I'm afraid I'm not going to have as much time for you as I should.

In the meantime, here are some pictures from Hobbit day. I know it isn't art, and I didn't even remember to get pics of the food, but it was a wonderful day! I made fresh bread and apple butter, sausages, mushrooms, cheese, herbs and salad, and honey cake with blackberry sauce and cream for dessert. We raised a glass of the Old Winyards, and Frodo and Bilbo sent us each a present in honour of their birthday (how they got it from the Undying Lands to here, I'll never know!). We went on a long hobbit walk through the forest, and then spent the whole weekend after playing a Tolkein themed DnD adventure set in the Shire. Twas an excellent time.

And I'll be ready for making art again soon, I can feel it in my bones. The old creative beast stirs, and rubs it's sleep-filled eyes, but meandering avoiders are slow, and slowly the beast awakens.

So my dear Blog, that I do love so much, hang tight. I'm still here, and I don't want to break up. I just need a lot of space right now.

Hobbits in the Woody End.
Note: exactly 3 days after this the leaves changed. It was incredible, one day green and the next all golden, crimson and copper .

The Close of Summer

Long, lazy days. Busy being unbusy. Me & muh boys -swimming, gaming, reading, playing, arguing, talking, cooking, laughing. Another summer slips past. This one thoroughly golden -so much sunshine and yellow-haired boys with sun-bronzed skin, and blue, blue eyes.

The boys have grown up so much. A good foot taller, with feet bigger than mine. E sometimes makes me tea in the mornings. L knows how to vacuum. They are in turn both LOUD and taciturn. They are intense. They need explanations and reasons for everything. Nothing Mom says goes unquestioned. Emotions are quick. Lightening strikes of anger cleaving to despair, but then joy bubbling up the next moment, and over again. The pace is dizzying. Misunderstandings run rampant. There is no easy going. There is herculean effort, on my part and especially on theirs -effort to understand, to be patient, to do and say the right thing at the right time (damn those social skills are hard!), and to act with love and strength of spirit.

There is a deep ache of  pride and loss as I watch them grow. Love them hard and let them go, that's the only option.

I'm ready to be back. Ready to blog and share. Can't wait to read and catch up. I feel open again.

This summer was so good for me. I feel a strong return to self. I feel excited about life again, and I am hoping that I have stockpiled enough sunshine to last through the long winter.

There is so much to look forward to this fall! I am ready for the boys to go back to school. My patience banks are a leetle depleted at this point. I could use the break from the intensity of the triad relationship between boys & mom that school provides, and we could all use the structure. So back to school is this coming Thursday, and I am looking forward to getting back to some art. I signed up for Julie & Chris' Layer Love 2.0, but haven't even had a chance to take a look yet. I am eager to get going on that, and I am burgeoning with my own ideas. I am ready.

There are so many things coming up:
-Sept 4th (tomorrow!) kicks off the Lord of the Rings Book Club with my sons & sisters (the elder two)
-Sept 22nd is Bilbo & Frodo's birthday! We're going on a hobbit walk, and having a hobbit-style feast!
-early October we're going to my parents for Canadian Thanksgiving & the whole fam will be there
-Halloween= pumpkin carving & trick or treating with the boys
-End of November is The Very Big Trip. 12 days jam packed with fambly fun in Orlando. I am still obsessing over the trip, although over the summer it has receded to a dull roar. I'm sure I will be full blown consumed again as we get closer. My illustrious friend Mr. Ch suggested I start a trip blog as an outlet (which I think may have been code for "shaddap about Disney World already!"), and so I did. I decided not to blog here, because a lot of it will be details about theme parks and how to tackle them with a slew of special needs, and I didn't want to spam this blog with such. I also have the new blog set to private for now. I want to be able to post lots of pictures without infringing on my family's privacy. So if anyone would like to follow along, let me know in comments and include an email address, and I'll send you an invitation. I will continue to blog here, or rather resume blogging here, especially when I actually have some new artworks to show.

Anyway I am really looking forward to the coming months, and am happy to be "back".

Summer Gratitude and Magic Trees

There is nothing like sunshine and freedom to break through the grey. We are on our first week of summer vacation, and the weather is fine. Long hot days, blue skies, happy kids, and very few chores that can't wait until after -after swimming, after reading, after making something insanely yummy to eat, after a trip to the zoo or a walk in The Forest.

The Forest is the place we go for Hobbit walks. It is right in the city, and close to our neighbourhood. A piece of land left mostly as it ever was, with towering elms and maples and a lazy river running through it. It is a place full of old magic, you can feel it, and we love it there. Local carvers have been at work there too, carving Spirit Trees.

The boys and I have been talking about doing some sort of art that we can leave there too to make our own contribution to the enchantment.

When You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

...sometimes you should keep talking anyway.

12cm x 12cm , mixed media on watercolour paper

I've been depressed. I haven't wanted to admit it. Haven't wanted to look it in the face, much less talk about it. I've been hoping it would fade away if I ignored it, like the seasonal slump I get almost every year dissipates when the sun finally comes out again after the long winter. But the season changed and the sun came out and I still felt like my insides were made of wood or tin or nothing...hollow and dull. Still felt like I was listening to the world from a thousand miles away, with water and cotton and mud in my ears, and my brain.

Nothing happened. I am not bummed or scared or stressed about any particular thing (perhaps an accumulation of stresses). Just taking no interest in the things that usually bring me joy (art, friends, books, cooking), and feeling numb and exhausted with every effortful step.

So finally I realized it was going nowhere, and admitted the "d" word to myself, and spoke it out loud to the people I love, and made a plan to actively work towards feeling better.

I am happy to report the plan is working.

The joy is beginning to seep back in, slowly, up through the roots, and the leaves begin to unfurl one at a time.

Hello Again

How exactly did a leetle break become 2 months? Wow. The passage of time never fails to surprise me.

We skipped spring here, and went directly to summer. Lawnmower drone, sunshine, bright skies, all encompassing green...not the tremulous, bursting green of Spring, but a sedate, self assured, expansive green -Summer green. It feels so good. I am grateful for every bit of warmth and ease. The ease of not having to haul on snow boots and shiver in a sub zero car! The ease of being able to stride down  the road, head erect,  instead of picking my way slipping on patches of ice and snow! The juxtaposition between seasons makes each little warm weather pleasure keenly felt.

I have started...slowly, tentatively...making art again. It is pretty raw and very personal, not ready to be shared, but the wheels are beginning to turn.

My major obsession for the last two months, Florida. Specifically a family vacation to Orlando being planned for December. I am obsessing hard. Completely Aspie immersed. It has taken over the larger portion of my brain like some virulent vine. I've been reading nothing but guidebooks, and spending every spare moment on the computer researching.  I ought to be getting an honorary degree summa cum laude from the Disney university any day now, or a key to the city, or at the very least an "I heart Florida" trucker cap! At first it was a mixture of practicality and fun, things I needed to know and things I wanted to know, but it has long since descended into the realms of  wheel spinning perseveration. The truth is that I am hella anxious about making it all work, and arming myself with information is a time honoured tradition when I am  full of fears.

We are not an easy family. We are a complicated intertwining mesh of needs. There is no such thing as "flying by the seat of our pants". No such thing as relaxing and enjoying come what may. We have to know things, like exactly what we will eat, where it will come from, how and where it will be prepared, and how it will be served. We need to have a plan in place for balancing sensory needs. We have to carefully calculate energy vs. activity ratios. We have to find creative ways of retaining as much of our regular routine as possible while still making room for new experiences. We have to consider how hot, how crowded, how loud, how bright, and we have to have back up plans, escape clauses and emergency protocols for every situation. We have to carefully, deftly manage everyone's expectations and anxiety, with schedules, plans, videos, role playing, and lots and lots of information.

It is a lot of work and the stakes are high...the stakes are thousands of dollars spent to hide in a darkened hotel room with ear defenders on, or a child that feels a crushing sense of failure and disappointment because we asked too much and pushed too far, or life vs death in an emergency room because we weren't scrupulously careful about every morsel of food.

Or the type of memories and sense of mastery that can only come from pushing into new territory and being OK there...even having fun there.

This is a picture of me in Disneyland in 2008. We're on Jungle Cruise. It was our first ride on our first day, and the moment when I realized that all the obsessive research and planning was going to pay off.

We were there thanks to a generous gift from their grandparents, and I was even more anxious than I am about the Florida trip. We had led two paper-pale, quaking boys into the park that morning. I cried as we walked down Main Street. The disparity between the other laughing, excited children and mine (demeanour as if we were headed to the guillotine rather than Adventureland) hit me like a smack to the face. Would the "happiest place on earth" be anything but miserable for us? And then we started doing Disney our way, just like we'd planned. From the moment L saw the crocs on Jungle Cruise (one of his special interests at the time), his whole body relaxed and his face opened and brightened. Can you see the flood of relief in my face above? We only lasted 2 half days and a very short stint one evening at Disney that trip (we went on to do Legoland and Seaworld after), and there were meltdowns and a couple of tense moments, but that's not what the boys remember. They remember us riding on everything and seeing everything, and how they got to eat in restaurants (Disney has the best and safest allergy policies anywhere), and how AWESOME it was.

2nd morning. Excitement overtakes anxiety.

This time the trip is even more complicated. My whole family is coming -parents, the DQ, sisters, BiL, the whole nine yards. That's even more needs and personalities to balance, but you know how I love a project, and I know that we can make it work. I have 6 more months to anxiously, fanatically go over and over every detail...hopefully though with a little less single minded intensity? I'd like to make room in my brain for a few other things as well.

Waiting for the Melt

A sad neglected blog, this. The blog owner just doesn't have much to say these days. I find I am as dull as the persistently grey sky outside, and willing myself to be creative has been about as effective as swimming through tar. No can do right now. I am on the ebb part of ebb and flow. So I am just going with it. Spring will come eventually, even here down in the Northern trenches of mud and snow, and with it I am hoping comes a spark and renewal.

In the meantime, I am here with my boys, and I am content...just quiet.

Finis

Tense

~

I'll likely continue work on this journal page at some point. It could use more collage and paint, but for now I am done.

Having a hard time getting my ass in gear today. I've wasted more time than I'd care to admit. I'm going to regret it later when all the undone things collapse onto my head, but I just can't seem to stick to anything. ADD-ish to the max. Only halfway here. Many things contributing to this I am sure, but one main one. One of my boys is away on a school field trip. Usually myself or the Dh can volunteer to accompany him, but today that did not work out. He doesn't have his own EA, just one young and moderately overwhelmed teacher. I am sure he will do well in coping with the sensory/social/executive function/rigidity type stuff. I feel he's ready. He feels he's ready. But there will be food involved as well. Food? Big deal, right? Very big deal if you have multiple anaphylactic food allergies. Very, big, fat hairy deal if one teeny, little mistake can land you in the hospital or worse.

So today finds me at a loose end, losing my train of thought, wandering away halfway through a job, unable to really settle to anything or accomplish much. He'll be OK. I know he is ready for this part of it too.

But am I?

Can't wait until the moment when I see him stumping through the snow across the schoolyard, backpack on his back, scowl on his face, weaving to and fro to avoid any possible contact with the other kids as he makes his way to the car (yup, that's muh boy). Safe and sound.