Sunday, April 26, 2009

Hug a Crazy Lady Today (but very, very carefully!)

I sat down to write a completely different blog post today...but it ain't workin'. My brain feels like it's wrapped in cotton, my temples are throbbing, there's a relentless weight of worry in my chest and I am sad, deep sad. Why? For no other reason than the date on the calendar, and the corresponding hormones in my bloodstream.

PMS strikes again.

It's a funny thing, PMS. It's become a punchline, great sit com fodder...the bitchy, erratic, weepy lady complaining about how bloated she is, biting people's heads off, pigging out on chocolate. I hate those stereotypes. They make us chicks look weak and flaky. They minimize our power and purpose. Yet here I am, feeling shitty, craving sugar, the whole nine yards.

It seems somehow undignified even to talk about. I bet Grace Kelly never stomped around her house like a crazed woman, breaking into ugly tears when she tripped over an errant rubber boot. And Audrey Hepburn certainly never stood by the fridge stuffing her face with mashed potatoes and chocolate cake with animalistic gusto. There's something a little raw and unladylike about even admitting to the PMS...what's next? period talk? musings over menopause? someone saying the word "vulva"?!? .gasp.

But once a month like clockwork a cloud descends. Nothing feels right, nothing tastes right. I feel way more anxious than usual...that weight in my chest, like something very bad has just happened or is about to, makes me not want to breathe or move. I get headaches. I get sad, full of an inexplicable grief that comes from nowhere, but smothers my spirit as surely as if it were real. Through this I fight, not to snap at my children and snarl at my husband although all the breathless anxiety makes me brittle with impatience. I fight to carry on with my everyday duties, and even with the things that usually bring me joy, because everything suddenly feels devoid of meaning, pointless, crushingly effortful, laborious, empty. And I fight really hard to remember that this is in fact hormonal, temporary and not reflective of what's actually going on in my life or who I am...or I might sink under all the sadness and make really bad choices in what is usually about 4 days of madness (how much damage could one do to their lives in 4 days? I shudder to think.)

So really it's no joke. Not for me.

Although a little levity delivered just so, often helps. (I pity the fool who attempts an ill timed bit of levity with me right now though...you know the stupid condescending man jokes, or the even stupider, even more condescending bits of catty "fun" from the women who don't get PMS.) But careful jokes from a hormonally challenged sister sufferer are never amiss, or even a little entertaining distraction from a sympathetic friend or husband...given carefully...oh so carefully...

The post I was supposed to write today is in there somewhere, but it'll have to wait until the cloud lifts and I am myself again. In the meantime I'll either be at my art desk painting out all the crazy or face-first in the fridge. See you in a couple days.

6 comments:

  1. LOL See that's the kind of levity I like.

    *here's me smiling...and then probably getting all verklempt because I'll think about how much I lurve you...and then yelling at my coffee table for getting in my way...and then laughing again*

    ~signed, your friend Crazy

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  2. Oh E, this too shall pass. Don't hate me, but I kinda miss ole PMS - it came and went, where as menopause seems to be forever. And ever. Amen.
    I'm told maybe 3 more years until hot flashes stop and my memory returns, but in the meantime, I hope I haven't screwed up my kids for life.
    I feel your pain, I think its a special kind of hell for moms to feel like crap in the first place, then have guilt and worry about what you're doing to the little ones slathered on top.
    From where I sit, your little ones will be fine. You have hubby to help even out the edges, right?
    This too shall pass. You're such an awesome mom on all the other days, way better than the average mom, that you still come out ahead, even if you spend a few days a month sad, grumpy or shrieking a bit. Guilt Be Gone! Hope you feel better soon,
    Mel

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  3. Thanks Mel. You're the best! :)

    Hubby has been away incessantly lately, all sorts of business travel...but he's home as of last night, for about a week, so that really helps. And yes, the guilt compounds the other bad feelings. I snapped at L last night, after he had interrupted us reading for the 57th time in a single paragraph, and then felt baAAAad. Like Anne used to say, tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it yet...and so far today I've been all calm, gentle mom, and tonight there will be another opportunity to read and not snarl when he interrupts with his many, many, many questions and concerns. That's all you can do, right? Keep going forward and try to do better.

    This too shall pass. (is passing, way better today than the last couple of days)

    And quite frankly, menopause scares the crap outta me! PMSx100 that doesn't go away after a few days!?! I'm going to need some drugs or crystals or hypnosis or something...or maybe those are for the hubby and kids that have to live with you. ;)

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  4. i am randomly stalking your posts, and stumbled upon this one...do you think a person can have a kind of seasonal moody as well? i sure do. this time of year *sigh* i can't begin to tell you how much cake, brownies and chocolate i have consumed. oh dark day, i know you are coming and there is little to be done but accept the light with the dark. I hope i get there afore i weigh a million pounds lol

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  5. I wanted to jump off a bridge for no reason today. So when I feel completely irrational, I always come back to this post. It helps. ~Ka'an

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