Neither Here Nor There

In between, that's me right now. Not much to tell really.

Lots of projects just getting going.

Birthday plans coming along.

Fighting the good fight with my PMS.

Prevailing...mostly....

*said with what is meant to be a winning smile,
only slightly undermined by the manic twitching under my left eye*

Yup, that's about right.

Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope...

The view from my window this morning:



It's not that it's so cold, or that there's so much snow (I mean, 6 foot snow banks and -40C aren't unusual around here), it's the wind making it miserable. It is a blustery day. The house is shaking. The snow is racing past my window. The sky is opaque white. Brrrr. I was wondering how I was going to even get my sons from the car to the school, they are such thin, little lightweights, I was picturing myself flying them in like kites (think Piglet on his blustery day!), but they are alas, under the weather this morning (not too sick, just sick enough to make being cozy at home on a day like today very appealing).

And I am glad to be at home today too, weather notwithstanding, I have a lot to be getting on with. There is a big event coming up in exactly 25 days! The second biggest holiday in our calendar year, only just after Christmas in energy expended and joyful anticipation...my sons' birthday! Every year, I try to do something really special. I figure, since they are twins and share a party, it has to be twice as cool! Also, since they are kids who tend to struggle socially, I don't think it hurts to have a Very Awesome Birthday Party...greases the wheels, so to speak.

We have done themes such as trains, pirates, Lego and Harry Potter (my favourite one, of course!) in the past. This year it is all about Star Wars. We have been talking, dreaming, eating, BREATHING Star Wars since a few days after Christmas. My sons had their notepads out planning their party before the last holiday guest was even gone...and their plans are big.

There is talk of an Imperial Star Destroyer cake.

*gulp*

I am happy to do it. It is always sooooo worth it, to see how happy and proud they are, and I love the way their plans all revolve around how to please and delight their friends...not a thought to what they, themselves will get out of it. But I'd be lying if I said this Star Destroyer cake wasn't giving me pause. Although I love getting jiggy with the icing sugar, I am far from a professional baker and we are limited ingredient-wise due to their severe allergies. I got my hand in this weekend when I made a Darth Maul cake for one of their buddies (eggless, so that E&L could share the cake at the party too).

But that was easy, just a face on a sheet cake (but of course, being me, I did still stress over it).

So I will need to summon all my Force power to get this party (and ginormous, elaborate cake!) off the ground...25 days and counting...

Projectified

Remember how I said I needed projects and direction? Well, I gots me some.

I know how some people believe that you declare your needs and intentions to the Universe and the Universe will provide (like the DH yearning after Rock Band and then getting a free copy from his buddy after Christmas), well from the moment I posted about needing direction, ideas and opportunities have been falling into place.

I got some clarity about what direction(s) I want to go in creatively this year, and I am looking forward to moving forward...one step at a time.

One of the first steps, Project Deconstruction: Color-Beyond the Basic with Julie Prichard and Chris Cozen. It starts Sunday, and it looks incredible -jam packed with good stuff. Even just the warm up discussions have been informative and inspiring.

Art journal page playing around with "quin" colours, as inspired by one of the pre class discussions (and you are correct "irregardless" is not really, a real word, being a double negative and all, but irregardless, I like it. ;)



Another hotspot for art related projects and fun is over at Willowing's ning. There's a paint & pass journal project, ATC swap, challenges, and a really cool Self Acceptance book project that is open for submissions until Feb. 20th. She is also doing a portrait class which starts soon called Fabulous Faces (unfortunately can't do that one right now too).

And there's more...more, more, more. But I am running out of time to blog right now. I just wanted to share a couple of the things I am finding to get excited about, and the fact that I am not stuck spinning my wheels, but am happily in forward motion once again.

Connected

Today it is Friday, and it is sunny, and I am full of gratitude.

Grateful for motherhood.

Grateful for the dissatisfaction that I am feeling, that will become the impetus for questions, searching, change.

Grateful for my husband, who took time to encourage me and help me find some clarity yesterday.

Grateful that my home and life are intact, that today my family is safe, my loved ones unharmed.

I am grateful for my connection to the larger world.





That connection to other people's lives and stories, like a sonar sense. I make my noise and it reverberates back, fractal, multi-coloured, different than I expected yet so much the same, allowing me to find my place in this world again when I get a little lost.

7x9" mixed media, canvas -WIP-

Faltering Purpose

Lately I putter through my days, doing a bit of this and a bit of that. Finding it increasingly harder to prioritize my tasks, and organize my time. I leave a mass of half-completed jobs and projects in my wake. I get inordinately frustrated at the way of things...you know, the way of things? The way you scrub the kitchen from top to bottom, and your son drops an enormous glass of orange juice that falls like a bomb, spraying over EVERYTHING the very moment you are finished. The way you find a bunch of clothes you've just washed and folded, stuffed in the dirty laundry hamper, still mostly folded, because someone toppled them out of the drawer when rooting through it, and then figured they must be dirty because they were on the floor. The way growing kids are hungry again 5 minutes after you've fed them, or how someone will always drop by the day the house is at its skungiest (skungy=skanky+grungy, ought-ta be a word, really) and you have just been plucking your eyebrows/have an enormous pimple on the tip of your nose and look like a fright. The way of things (also called Murphy's law). Usually I can be pretty zen about the way of things, but lately I am getting uncharacteristically irritable about the state of the house and my hamster on a wheel attempts at productivity. And I think I know why...

When my sons were younger direction was easy to find. Their needs ballooned to fill any available time and energy that I had. My path was clearly laid out each day, a hundred things I had to try to get done, a race against the clock, no question about what to do next, no time to question, just getting on with all the busy Mom stuff, trying to keep the house together, and myself sane in the process.

Now my sons are at an age where their needs aren't always as clear or as time consuming, for which I am grateful. But while those needs are just encompassing enough to still keep me home full time (they need to be brought home at lunch every day for a sensory break, simply couldn't handle being in regular after school care and frequently spend days at a time out of school with their severe allergy/asthma/sensory issues combo), I find myself, more and more often, starting my day with much less purpose than I need.

The kids are off to school, I pick them up at 11:15am for lunch...what to do next...

I mean, don't get me wrong, the floor needs mopping, the carpets could use a vacuum, there's all that laundry to rewash and what about scrubbing some dried orange juice off the kitchen light fixture? I could fill up my day 4 times over, but I am not the type who can draw much sustenance and satisfaction from such jobs. I need more. I do have phone calls and emails to make...social workers, occupational therapist, respite worker, doctors to coordinate, volunteering and the constant tug of war of negotiating services and accommodations with the school...but OK, the balls are rolling, paperwork is filled, everyone in place. I still need something more.

And I thought I was doing a pretty good job of creating the "more" as I went along. I saw the many women from the last generation, the stay-at-home lifers, losing themselves, losing direction and purpose as the kids grew up, and I took it as a cautionary tale. I knew I needed to create a life for just myself amidst the mothering, and I did. I have cooking and art and writing and friendships and books and subjects galore that I have gotten excited about dabbling in and learning about, and still am enthusiastic for...but lately such dilettantism just isn't satisfying the "more" either. The bread gets eaten, the book goes back on the shelf, paintbrushes back in the holder...and I am still vaguely unsatisfied or just lacking focus...what to do next?

Most jobs come inherent with some structure and a system by which accomplishment is measured...a schedule, a punch clock, a deadline, a paycheck, a yearly review. My job doesn't. And if I start to try to measure my progress by some tangible standard, like is the house tidy? or are the boys doing "well" at school? That's when I am going to drive myself nuts trying to circumvent the way of things...and nobody, but nobody, gets to circumvent the way of things. There will be dried and sticky substances in some crevice somewhere, no matter how much energy I put into cleaning and pretending I actually care much whether the house is clean or not...which I don't particularly, to tell the truth. And a very large portion of how the boys are doing is no longer up to me.

So I believe I have talked myself full circle, but the fact of the faltering purpose, the ennui, the lack of satisfaction and accomplishment remains....January blues account for some of it, no doubt. And for the rest? I need a little more structure and discipline (*groan* I suck at those!), and some bigger goal beyond the dabbling. I love having a project. I need a project.

So I guess, we shall see.

January Journaling

What is it about January? Taking stock, making resolutions, a fresh start. Maybe the long, cold days force us to turn inwards, allowing for more reflection & quiet pursuits...like art journaling, which I have been at non-stop since Christmas.

I began a new book, as befits a new year (am still continuing work on the Big Art Journal as well). I picked up a 9" x 9" Aquabee super deluxe sketchbook. I was getting tired of having to be so vigilant in guarding against my pages sticking together, since my Layer Love course got me addicted to Golden's gloss glazing liquid (read art journals becoming a mass of wax paper partitions). So I figured I would mostly paint on just one side of each 2 page spread...so no stickies. Also wanted recourse when an AJ page becomes a favourite piece of artwork, with the coil binding, I can remove pages without wrecking the book.








A 2 page spread for New Year's Day, on which me & mine wrote our personal and family goals:



Starting to enjoy the "other" side as space to doodle, sketch and journal:





So there it is. The beginnings of a new year and a new art journal.

2009 Reading Round Up

She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain. (1873)

~ Louisa May Alcott ~

Last year it was a popular Nerdfighter New Year's resolution to plan on reading 50 books in the next 12 months. I resisted the urge to play along. I could just see myself getting all stuck on the rules. (What counts as a book? Fiction and non fiction? Just fiction? What about a collection of short stories? What about a graphic novel? What about a big pithy cookbook full of anecdotes and technique chapters? What if I read half a book, does it count as anything?!) Yeah, I get like that. I could also see myself, as of about October, starting to choose my reading material based on length. (yeah, yeah I'll read "The Giver" twice and then "Catcher in the Rye" *snicker* that'll boost my count!) So I just did my usual reading, vacillating between periods of voracious fiction consumption and several weeks of "reader's block" and back again. Picking from my ever-growing "to read" list willy nilly to suit my mood, in other words, sheer enjoyment reading with no agenda.

Overall I had a great reading year. I did read 41 books that I remembered to write down, and several more besides (not including graphic novels and the majority of the non fiction that I read). I found new books to fall head over heels for, shared some of my all time favourites with my sons, learned a bunch of new stuff (about art, autism, parenting, cooking) and found great pleasure, comfort and inspiration in the written word.

Reading Round Up 2009 (feel free to turn this into a meme if you want to play along):

Books read:
41-ish

Favourite books of 2009:
A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

Least favourite:
I didn't read anything I didn't like. I did have two books I only made it halfway through:
-Catch 22 by Joseph Heller, which is brilliant, but I needed something with more of a steady narrative at the time. I plan on finishing it soon.
-Auntie Mame by Patrick Dennis I have wanted to read it for years. It was light and amusing, and everything you would expect it to be, but no more than that, and I lost interest after awhile.

Most useful non fiction:
Thinking in Pictures by Temple Grandin (she is one of my heroes, and has helped me understand so much about Autism and the great possibilities that exist with the challenges)

Longest and shortest books:
Probably Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell and Tales of Beedle the Bard by JK Rowling respectively.

Re-reads:
I was purposely lighter on rereads than usual this year, but a year without Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter ( read 5&6 to my sons) isn't much of a year at all!
I also read The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, once to myself and once to my sons.

Favourite character of the year:
It's gotta be a tie between Owen Meany and Ignatius J. Reilly. Both completely blew my mind.

Favourite quote:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree.
One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

This analogy resonated deeply, becoming part of my internal imagery about my own life.

Books read aloud:
Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien
Harry Potter 5&6 by JK Rowling
The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
The Amulet of Samarkand by Jonathan Stroud (part of the wonderful Bartimaeus Trilogy)

Most fun reading moments:
-sketching battle maps as we went along to keep E&L abreast of the action in LotR
-seeing my sons get caught up in the books that we read together in their play and art
-sharing the trashy, trashy fun of the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris with my sister (team Eric!)
-laughing my way through Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons again (wait, that's another reread...busted! I am a chronic rereader. Combine great fondness for certain books with an exceptionally poor short term memory, maybe with a little aspie perseveration in there too and you have someone who loves rereading!)

Most touching:
-Owen Meany
-Elliot with shining eyes asking if we could start LotR over again from the beginning after we'd just finished the last word

What made you cry:
-Dumbledore & Dobby (I practically blubber all the way through the last book)
-Owen Meany
-all the beautiful parts of hope and struggle that choke me up every single time I read LotR

First book you will read in 2010:
I think I am up for a reread of Slaughterhouse 5...my soul needs a little Billy Pilgrim right now.

(is there a rereader's anonymous out there somewhere? Hello, my name is Evangeline and I am a rereader...)

Here's to another year of reading!

(art courtesy of Hey Oscar Wilde It's Clobberin' Time by Leigh Gallagher)

From Home

...and I'm back.

Monday morning. Back to the old grind. I am glad I have the bright spot of catching up with my dear OL friends to look forward too, because this is not my favouritest of weeks...a bit of post holiday blues, so much to do, hard to get my guys back into the regular routine.

It feels like we've been away, although for days and days we've barely even left the house. It has been the best of holidays...cozy, familial, full of fun and rest, and even a few things accomplished for good measure. There was a little of the inevitable family drama around Christmas, but other than that it has been golden, and has really felt like a "real vacation".

Highlights have included:

-my sisters! How did I get so lucky as to have 3 amazing sisters? I enjoyed every minute of their company this Christmas.
-a winter walk with Elizabeth
-snowball fights
-Christmas plans coming together with unprecedented ease
-our annual Christmas Eve visit from Santa (*cough cough* my dad...still don't know whether the boys have cottoned on to this yet? If so, they are keeping it to themselves)
-a piece of real life magic: the boys outside in their pajamas and winter coats making giant bubbles in the cold, still night before
-a Christmas afternoon nap while everyone played happily with their new stuff
-the boys surrounded by mounds and mounds of Lego, so intense as they built and built
-a Christmas feast to end all feasts
-endless rounds of Settlers of Catan
-wedding dress shopping with Victoria (my second youngest sister who is getting married summer of 2011. I thought I would hate the dress shopping, and we were crammed in with loads of loud, perfume-drenched specimens...but all I could see was her...bee-U-tee-full. I got all verklempt a couple of times, just seeing her so happy).
-art journaling at the kitchen table with Elizabeth (my new neocolour 2 crayons! Whee!)
-lazing in bed with tea
-lazing in bed with tea and the DH's itouch (Settlers of Catan app. FTW!)
-lazing in bed with the DH, cognac and True Blood
-the DH...being married to someone whose company I thoroughly enjoy. The best part of a holiday, no matter where we go or what we do, is just being with him every day. That complete togetherness is such a treat.

I guess "togetherness" would be my word, if I had to choose one, to describe these last two weeks...we have been drawing ourselves together. A family gathering itself to the bosom of hearth and home and really celebrating all things warm and familial...simple things, a loaf of homemade bread, a board game and time to play it, a child's arms wrapped around you and a grinning dimpled face. Simple things, wonderful things.

And now back to our regular programming. *small sigh*

I have been art journaling a lot, and will scan and share my pages ASAP. Milliande is doing fun and inspiring daily art journal vids, that I've been really enjoying. I have also been bread baking, thanks to a new book that I received as a gift from Victoria, and can't wait to share about those adventures too. The boys b-day is just around the corner (Star Wars themed this year!), and there is so much to do and look forward too. I've also been doing the usual taking stock for New Year's...I am welcoming some changes.

So, as 2 very good friends of mine would say...onwards and sideways...