Thursday, July 29, 2010

Plaid Moods

It is summer. I am ecstatically happy that it is summer. The warm, the sunny, but most of all the boys home 24/7, the good. We have knocked 19 things off our summer list, with a handful more to be accomplished this weekend. Today they have a friend over, hence the free time to blog.

We are getting a new desktop. I have been researching hardware, getting deeply invested in learning about stuff like why you would NOT want a Seagate 7200.11 hard drive but a 7200.12 is OK, and finding every minute of it broadly satisfying to my deeply nerdy little soul. New computer!!! Woot!

Making room for the new computer has created a domino effect precipitating some much needed rearranging and deep cleaning. I decided to move my art desk upstairs, and to make the spare room into a spare room/studio. It is a great room, lots of sunshine, muted green-blue walls in just the shade I like and I need the extra space for storage badly. I am just worried that not having all my supplies right in the hub of our home (kitchen/family room) will make doing art less accessible, and I won't do as much. We shall see. I am hoping a more inspiring space will force me up there.

Anxiety has been plaguing one son in particular. Anxiety of a whole different type and intensity than we have been used to with him. He is following me around like a shadow, needing to talk about fear after fear after fear. This has been draining, and hard. Many of his fears are my own. It is hard to look into his strained, drowning-eyed face and to comfort...without lies, without platitudes, when the same things scare me shitless. Tell the truth (gently, gently), be there (take a breath and scrabble more patience somehow from the void) and have faith that he/we can conquer this (acting much, much more bravely than I feel, for him)...this is all I can do.

The summer is going too quickly. My elation at the freedom is punctuated with melancholy (and I don't even have PMS to blame), it will all be over so fast. I just want to freeze time for awhile...let my boys have a longer break before the onslaught of grade 5. We haven't caught our breathe yet, not really.

A time turner?

A tardis?

I need some magic here, or some science fiction. It's. Just. Too. Fast.


  1. I love this piece, it's deep richness draws me in...
    So appreciate your honesty and sharing of your life along with it's struggles, fear, God help us seems to hound us all but for the young how do we put them at ease without lies, darn good question. Hoping summer slows down just enough for you and the boys to regroup :-)

  2. I am sorry your guy is struggling with anxiety. I'm sure you know this but there are some wonderful books out there on anxiety and children that give great ideas on helping them. I found for Dakota just teaching him some deep breathing exercises helped him, as well as journaling. When he was too young, he did picture journaling.

  3. ah that the light and the dark are so intermingled in life-blargh. glad to hear of computer glee, sorry to hear of summer blues and your son's anxieties. i agree with maggie that sometimes visceral intervention like connecting with a healthy breath can help stop an anxiety hamster wheel, and picture journaling sounds like fun! *hugs*

  4. I thought I commented here already. Maybe I didn't "post". Brain dead. Sorry about the anxiety. Just no rest, is there? And hmmmm, you gotta point there about the art stuff being so removed from the hub. Maybe you can double up on supplies (slowly, slowly) and keep the small stuff in the family room and just use the studio from something ambitious. I dunno. You'll probably use the studio when school starts but for summer.... yeah. 19 things done. I have to go revisit the list. Cracks me up. I'm taking next week off. Gotta make a list. deb

  5. E, I've been thinking about you, wondering about you and your boys, hoping you're all well, hoping summer fun whisked the anxiety away at least for a bit.
    I've have moments like you describe, when my little ones were gripped with the same fears that grip me, it's very confusing knowing what to do, yell me too! or put on the brave face. I think I opted for the brave, reassuring hug, the everything will be just fine speach, knowing it was a promise i couldn't actually keep, but needing to comfort them as much as I needed to be comforting.
    My summer flew past as well, school starts in 2 days, and it has been and will continue to be a whirlwind. The locusts are buzzing in the trees and the greens are growing more yellow each day, and I'm trying to cram as much outside into each day as possible, sort of a sunshine savings account for winter.
    Your absence from the interwebs is making me nervous. I know you're inbetween computers, being awesome mom and busy. But tweet or something, just to let me know you're OK, OK?

  6. Thanks Mel, for thinking of me. It feels a little good to be missed. :)
    I have been missing y'all too, and it is just summer busy-ness/turtle-ness keeping me away and nothing more nefarious. 2 more weeks until school for us, and trying to inhabit every day. But holy crap, it's been almost a month since I blogged?! I hadn't even realized. I should have put up a gone fishin' sign or something...but I will be back soon...

    And I am going to update right now at the ning.


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