Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Motions

Heart heavy.

Spirit buoyant.

This would be my current status.

I have worries that aren't going anywhere. I have a 50 pound stone in the centre of my chest and I feel it with every breath and movement. One son is having a tough time again. OCD stuff going crazy. Washing his hands until they are raw, minutely inspecting each object he handles for signs of contamination, getting angry and taking all his fear and all his angst out on the closest, safest person...me. The other son is so sensitive and nervous. He apologizes for everything, and jumps when my voice has the least little bit of an edge to it. The disparity in their moods and needs makes the balance of parenting the two excruciating right now. The DH is on some strong medication. He has had some serious health concerns for many months, but I don't talk about it here to respect his privacy. It is sometimes hard to share my real story, which exists in a venn diagram-like circle intersecting the stories of all those around me, without infringing on the wishes of others. Suffice it to say, the medication alters who he is and how available he is to his family significantly, and just when his body was getting used to it and we had him "back" for a couple weeks, it is now time to keep bumping up the dosage. I feel raw and ragged and lonely, and like I am failing on every front. Not failing utterly, but failing slightly all round...the type of fails that add up to many small impatiences and inconsistencies with the boys, snapping, forgetting things, letting things slide. But I can say in all honesty, that I am doing the best that I can.

The other side of the coin is the buoyant spirit. The worry and the weight are there, but my will towards joy is so strong. "This too shall pass" an ever present mantra. I am working away moment by moment, and I know we will all be OK. And life seems good to me, despite the troubles...very good and very precious.

So I go through the motions of happiness, even though I am not feeling it completely...I need those motions. I need to act out of the unsinkable spirit, not the heavy-laden heart, and with each act the soaring spirit drags that bruised and leaden heart a little higher...like a bird tethered to a stone.


The Motions

Painting sunshine when the view from my front door...

...looks like this.

Baking the first cookies of the season.

Letting the kindness of friends lift me up.

Reveling in the warmth and the promise.


And this blogging and sharing, this is a motion towards the joyous heart my spirit is pulling towards too.

8 comments:

  1. I have not had those particular problems but man, I SO get what you are feeling. Please email me your address? I'm at beezus74@hotmail.com

    Hang in there. xoxo

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  2. Sweetie, I'm crying those wabisabi tears from your post. I hear you. I'd give anything to give you a hug right now, to help you carry that stone and to thank you for reminding me to be thankful on days when I feel anything but.
    You are doing the best you can. You can only save yourself, so you can be there for your family. They are so very lucky to have you and you them. I'm hoping and praying for better for your boys, which means better for you. And soak up the buoyancy every chance you get. When you feel your lowest, remember to brew a cup of tea and look at the lights. This too shall pass.
    Love you. xxoo

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  3. Thank you ladies, you guys are the best.

    And sometimes when you tell the universe that you're at capacity, the universe listens...we just had our first lunch hour without a meltdown in almost a week. Phewf.

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  4. if i was closer i'd come over and shovel that walkway.

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  5. I know you would! And I would give you brandy and cookies when you were done.

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  6. *HUGEST HUG EVAR* I'm so sorry to hear that this is such a hard time for you on so very many fronts. glad you had a meldownless lunch at least. *sends warm vibes and lots of love*

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  7. Thank you Seren. Vibes and love and hugs right back atcha. :)

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  8. I would come over and eat brandy and cookies with you and Craig! Glad to hear things have gotten a little better, and am sending out love and warm vibes.

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