Thursday, June 16, 2011

When You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

...sometimes you should keep talking anyway.

12cm x 12cm , mixed media on watercolour paper

I've been depressed. I haven't wanted to admit it. Haven't wanted to look it in the face, much less talk about it. I've been hoping it would fade away if I ignored it, like the seasonal slump I get almost every year dissipates when the sun finally comes out again after the long winter. But the season changed and the sun came out and I still felt like my insides were made of wood or tin or nothing...hollow and dull. Still felt like I was listening to the world from a thousand miles away, with water and cotton and mud in my ears, and my brain.

Nothing happened. I am not bummed or scared or stressed about any particular thing (perhaps an accumulation of stresses). Just taking no interest in the things that usually bring me joy (art, friends, books, cooking), and feeling numb and exhausted with every effortful step.

So finally I realized it was going nowhere, and admitted the "d" word to myself, and spoke it out loud to the people I love, and made a plan to actively work towards feeling better.

I am happy to report the plan is working.

The joy is beginning to seep back in, slowly, up through the roots, and the leaves begin to unfurl one at a time.


  1. ain't got nothin' but love for ya.
    you need a Hang In There, Baby halter top.

    hearts and flowers,

  2. I wondered why so quiet. I'm glad you're feeling better, bit by bit. I would venture a guess that you've had a lifetime's share of worries already, and that takes its toll on a person. This winter sucked something out of me too, and I feel like I watched Spring (was that a Spring??) dissipate through a foggy lens. Anyway, I feel you. I'm hoping good things for you. And that tree up there? It speaks to me. Well done.

  3. Goodness, I hope you feel better soon. I really love the posted image, it's lovely, and moody. It feels right.

    This winter really kicked the crap out of me too and has left these 'dregs' swilling around in my guts and mind...there have been some days that I'm so fidgety and can't focus it's maddening, and sitting still feels just wrong because I can see all that needs to be done and can't get motivated to do any of it. So yesterday morning I sat in the sunshine in my favorite chair, listened to the birds sing, and didn't do a damn thing until I was good and ready...all I had to do is pick one thing. So I got up and painted. (I'm not completely cured of this yucky feeling, but it's a start!)

  4. Sorry you are feeling as you are but what good news that the joy is returning. And I have to say that your painting here may be dark but there is a great deal of beauty within it!

  5. ah yes, i understand 100%. Im so glad to hear you are feeling better. I've been struggling for months and months and feels endless. i've picked up my paints about 5 times since february. ugh. if you ever need to talk, i'm here!

  6. So sorry to hear that you've been depressed- and not feeling as you would like. But so very glad you are starting to feel more upbeat and positive about the world around you. Your painting is wonderful- reflective and with such feeling. I think with tendered roots- your joy will begin to sprout new life again this summer- and you will feel like smiling again. That's my wish for you!

  7. Depression sucks the light out of days no matter how sunny. I'm glad you are feeling better, although sad that you have to experience it. Thinking of you and hoping that joy returns to you in full.

  8. Sometimes vitamin B12 helps, the under the tongue kind, from over the counter. Good luck and feel better soon :o)

  9. I miss you! Sending love and energy. I'm chipping in for the Hang In There, Baby halter top.

  10. Good to see and "hear" you E. Glad that you are feeling better and that your plan is working. And that you're up to sharing yourself with all of us again.


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